14 years ago today, my best friend (at the time) Kristie committed suicide. Sometimes this day goes by without me even noticing but not today, I am feeling a bit down today and the universe is conspiring against me. Our internet and tv connections are unstable. I had an interview to conduct for work this morning and was able to do it but not without frustration. It was my first interview done solo for the company. I hope it turned out alright.
Not only am I feeling down about my friend, but my mom went to the doctor’s today and it turns out she will need hip injections and maybe a hip replacement due to some leg pain she’s been having (due to osteoporosis) Nobody knows about this yet except me and damn it I still need help everyday because of my disability — I’m not sure I mentioned but I use a walker and it can be tough sometimes. I need help with showering, sometimes dressing etc. This started 7 years ago when I had a fall and broke my left arm which left me in a wheelchair for 5 years. I am now only using the wheelchair as a computer chair and using a walker full time but I still get down on myself.
My mom, while telling me what the doctor said, at her appointment said I need to do better for myself. Do most things on my own, schedule more PSW time because what is happening to her IS happening. The first thing that came to my mind was after her hip surgery she won’t be able to walk, or they’ll find out she has cancer (like my dad) or something and she’ll deteriorate and die. She IS 81 after all.
Then the next thing that came to mind was “hey ok, I’ll off myself because then she won’t have to worry about me or my cat and only have herself — I can’t live without her. It’ll be the perfect day to do it because it’s Kristie’s death anniversary and I actually said that out loud!
FUCK… why do I think like this?!?
I need people, I need friends, I wish I was a good enough specimen in this world to marry someone (If I think hard enough — I don’t actually want that but if I did I’d have someone to help me through this crap)
I started going to a peer mentoring group called “Good Company Gatherings” from TWLOHA. (They are cool)
And I start psychotherapy next month with CAMH. I don’t know why I’m doing all this.
But I guess now that mom needs surgery I need to have support.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.
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This was supposed to be a rehashing of Kristie’s death story but it’s not. It’s a story of hope because I want to stop feeling like this. I don’t want my friends and family to come home from one of the best nights of their lives like I did on December 2, 2011 to find out I jumped off a bridge onto the highway and died after 3 days of no contact. I don’t want them reduced to tears falling on the floor and then maybe end up in hospital 3 months later like I did because someone that knew better decided to tell them the earth-shattering news at midnight. I don’t want the guilt anymore that I wasn’t able to do anything for my best friend though. I don’t want this. Why am I even writing this? Argh. If you still have friends, take care of your friends, mine are almost all gone.
D xx