It is strange to look back on my life, at this point.

I spent the vast majority of my life looking forward to the future. After all, I didn't really like the present but the future promised so much more. As bizarre as it sounds, I was right... and wrong.

I built for a future I couldn't clearly see, and I only knew it would require that I build my situation into one which could weather it and build within it. That strategy worked well, and it was arguably worth it. Now, however, reality is more complicated.

The future isn't what I hoped to see. I thought the future would be big but it turned out to be hopelessly small.

Now, there isn't much future left. Time, it would seem, is running out. I fear that all this preparation was for nothing and I also fear that the walls I can't control will close in and strangle me.

So, I waited for something which would never come. Still, it isn't like any other option was better. I suppose the dream was never to come, after all.

I get the feeling that existence was never really for me. I guess I always knew that. I just always assumed it was a temporary state. Now, I fear it will soon become all too real. It will be enshrined as a permanent fact of the universe.

Drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die,
...Nights